Siesta Keycap S2 Ep 2. Be a good boyfriend and say something mean to her.

Picking up right where we left off — with Pauly punching Jared in the head while he has Alex in a headlock. It’s a mess, the fight ends when security (?) kicks Jared out and watch the big gates of the Kompo family compound close behind him.

The next day, Gary K. wakes his son, who may I remind you IS APPARENTLY IN LAW SCHOOL, so he and Pauly can clean up the party. Pauly points out that the mansion is worth $30 million, yet he’s having his son and nephew clean it up. Never too late to try to do some good parenting I guess.

I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m glad to see Juliette getting a fresh blowout the next day because home girl’s hair was FUH-RIZ-ZEE at the party. Not really, but I guess she wanted some fresh curls because she and Amanda are getting blowouts and trashing Chloe for being the WORST and inviting Cara to the party. Which of course means we cut to Chloe over at Cara’s — who has hired in-home foot massages for the two of them (gee, I wonder why Chloe wants to be friends with this chick), and literally says she enjoyed seeing Juliette’s reaction to Cara’s arrival. And apparently Juliette is a shit tipper because Chloe hears from Juliette’s stylist that J was talking shit, so Chloe decides that NOW she’s going to start trying to her J by inviting Cara to that night’s Contractually Obligated Whole-Cast Gathering: Brandon’s rap performance.

Thankfully, we are spared any rapping because the second Chloe and Cara arrive, shit hits the fan. Chloe dares Cara to beckon Alex over and they do the annoying flirty interaction of “I’m not like..going to shake your hand.. I mean just give me a hug.” It sucks. Juliette is pissed when she walks back up, tells Cara to GTFO, and all of a sudden everyone is fighting. Kelsey even jumps in to call out Chloe’s bullshit of bringing Cara to start drama, and Chloe is crying because Kelsey declares herself #TeamJuliette. Welcome to the team, Kelsey, it’s nice to like you for once.

The next day (month? Week? Time is a flat circle in Siesta Key), Juliette is trying to explain to Alex why she’s pissed — and she has a point! Everywhere she goes, there’s another girl he’s slept with, it’s got to be hard. Alex also has a point that he doesn’t think it’s fair that Juliette’s mad at him because it’s Chloe starting all the drama. Then Juliette pulls a g-move and demands that Alex stick up for her and say mean things to Cara in her honor. It’s incredible that a woman who claims to be ready for marriage is also asking her boyfriend to say mean things to someone to make her feel better.

She runs out to the dock in frustration and Alex follows her, telling her his deepest, darkest secret. He claims Chloe is in love with him and that’s why she’s always trying to sabotage his relationships. A pretty damning evidence reel rolls, and we see all the different times Chloe has interfered with Alex’s relationships and I have to say, this one might not all be in Alex’s head. But he nearly breaks up with Juliette on the spot when she asks if he ever slept with Chloe. He is offended beyond belief at this notion.

Over at the beach, an awkward group has assembled, and someone brought deli sandwiches — so you know it’s going to be a good day. Everyone is essentially pissed at Chloe because they’re sick of her being, well, her. Kelsey isn’t having it, Amanda isn’t having it, and they run Chloe off the beach. Amanda even threatens to break her nose again. I missed you Amanda, don’t ever leave.

At the same beach gathering, Madisson has an exposition-heavy chat with Kelsey, explaining to her, and the viewer, that Jared was pretty intense in high-school and was talking marriage, and that’s why they broke up (BUT WASN’T SHE WITH ALEX?). Jared asks her on a date, and she wisely says no. Oh and I guess Jared and Pauly had a talk to clear up the fight? I don’t know and I don’t care. Call me when Jared does something interesting.

Our episode wraps with Juliette deciding someone must do something to stop Chloe, and then a very ominous “This Season On” montage plays. So, I don’t know — can someone check on Chloe and make sure she survives this season? I’m not saying I like her, but she makes for good TV at least.

I give this episode 6 out of 10 cigarette butts that Pauly has to pick up with his bare hands.

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