All this time

We met on my first day in Bali. Fun, laughs, adventures, good times, smiles, laughs, surprises were everywhere to be found. Everything matched, we are into salsa, business, startups, personal development, trips, adventures, growth, have similar childhoods, and are both striving to make the most out of life. We are both smart in our own ways and it is so complementary. We start to get close and both believed that we would have the best friendship ever.

Everything just matched, why not extend that to more than friends.
I wanted growth, a great time, to give my best, harmony, and to learn to be with a 2020 independent and successful woman.
She wanted a good time, take her business to new heights, health, and give life a good bite and taste it fully.

My priorities were growth, learning to be with an independent woman, be strong, and have a great time.
Her priorities were herself, her fun, her business, feel a connection, respect, and mutual support.

We were so close yet so far, we built and let it collapse, rebuilt and collapsed, repeat, and repeat. We are both tired.

Everything matched, yet it didn’t. The details don’t matter, every time was one step away from harmony.
We were always one brave step away from greatness.
Setting our own boundaries and limits confidently, listening to the other person and bravely finding middle ground with humility and without fear, were the ONLY difference between what we have now and what we could have.

Yes, he didn’t tell her that he liked her and that at the beginning he likes to go all in, gradually going back to his work and activities and his free time that he values so much. Yes, he tried to understand her and work around her things that would best suit, trusting that based on the information that she had she would be able to make great decisions. Being such an independent woman she starts taking more and more masculine activities from him, he warns her but she decides to continue. He was always there to make the decisions and lead, always, but she decides to take them anyways so he lets her without taking over aware of the danger.

Yes she got offended by nothing, yes she was contradictory in asking for someone who can stand his ground and be a man, but as soon as he did, she accuses him of being a different person and being mean, whilst he was just expressing his thoughts. He asks her and sends her youtube videos outlining this, which she ignores, and a month later admits that she wanted what was on those videos instead of what she was asking for.

In his previous relationship, he took the lead, set his boundaries clearly and neatly. On hard times, him sticking to those boundaries regardless made her feel insignificant, hurt, disappointed, unheard, miss-understood, and ignored. Tears poured and poured. If only he had more leeway when needed everything would have been smoother. He now wanted to practice listening and compromise when warning of the counter-benefits. But never explained this in such manner.

In her previous relationship, she took the lead, set her boundaries clearly and neatly, taking more lead the more he retracted, soon she had someone feeling insignificant and belittled.
She thinks that she needs someone taking over more, not realizing how much this can hurt.
She wants to practice equal responsibility, but with him taking over relentlessly when needed, yet without hurting her, and risking all if needed, again without hurting her.
Can this only be achieved when he gets his masculinity from the remaining 95% of his life, so it is ok for her to take over the masculine tasks to cover for her insecurities?
Exploring and re-inventing how any kind of relationships work in this day and age is tricky, painful, and also necessary.

Now he has to content himself with only a friendship.
Instead of 1 + 1 = 100, 1 + 1 = 3. It hurts, and it sucks, and she will see someone else and try to meet all of her needs that she was one step away from meeting here. That makes him sad, and she does not see it.

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